Family does not have to be blood.

To many this may be hard to comprehend, but to me this is what I have always known.

Filling Up My Mind

Today was a good day.

2hrs round-trip, 1/4 tank of gas and he did it all for me. I can be a girl and analyze this as admiration, but it makes my heart sink to know that he just sees me as a close friend.

Its a start to something good? I hope so. I want to know how it is to fall in love and I never really said this out loud. I always held my head high and put my pride first but I want to be in the comfort of a man. I want my rationality to remain intact, so I will leave it at that.

Off to the exchange of gifts, four days after Christmas. No matter how much reminders you send out there will always be someone who will disappoint you, even in the smallest gestures. You can never pester someone enough about the plans you have made because often times people flake out on you. As long as you did your part that is all that matters.

Sitting there in the room with the high school girls I had fluctuating relationships with in high school laughing was a great feeling. This winter break has shown me that even if people seem to walk out of our lives, some of them come back for a reason. Well, okay maybe not this winter break, but it was a nice reminder of that.

Then I thought about all of the things I used to do in high school...drawing, ballet, jazz and badminton. All of that I was good at, but where does all of that fit in my present life. Has maturity and "growing up" lead to the neglection of the things I love? Why did I make the choices I made? I hope I stumble upon those passions again.

'

Brooding Woman (recto), Three Children (verso)

Pablo Picasso (Spanish, 1881-1973)

Christmas is Finally Almost Over

Good night.

Human Suffering

Sometimes we leave the ones we love behind and it is out of our control.

All we can do is just let it seep down into our hearts and let it go.

Peace of Mind

To Follow Your Hearts Desire

When I see the product of my talented friends work: short films, photography, artwork, dance pieces it inspires me but then my heart sinks.

I would describe this as a feeling of regret. Then comes in rationality to block out the guilt in my mind, the constant battle in my mind and finally contemplation.

One of the biggest fears I have to face in life is whether I am capable of love.

This idea of affection what is this? I suppose I can thank intro classes to psychology that exposed me to this idea of childhood attachment and how this carries on into our adult life but you know I knew it all along that a normal child was not suppose to grow up like this.

Most people learn from their parents and I was fortunate to learn from my friends.

I have always been an expert at imitating others, thus I do not accept the claim that people have of "stealing their style" because you know what? We are a replication of each other so DEAL with it. If it was not for observation I would not have landed in this life that I have. Now I am faced with this nightmare I have to face and a simple human being should grasp the idea of confronting a sick man, but no. Due to the attachment and affection issue I cannot console my own blood and witness them rot their life away. Here's to searching for love and affection.

Running out of words.

Even tried my fair share, thought the devil may care, but I called him up, he’s not there. What does that mean? And I’m getting weary waiting for the harbor lights to change. I’ve forgotten what I do it for but I tread water just the same. Never let this pair of hands forget to pull their weight, this burden may be more than I would like to bear but still it’s less than I can take. - Sara Bareilles

Don't Expect

Anyone to ever rescue you, because no matter how much shit they put you through you have to learn how to do it on your own.

To Life.

'Cause everybody knows, nobody really knows how to make it work, or how to ease the hurt. We've heard it all before, that everybody knows how to make it work, I wish we gave it one more try. - John Legend

Just Write

There are many topics to be covered, but I will just start.

Saturday-

My brother came to pick me up at the airport and boy was he cranky for waiting at the airport for about an hour. It turned out I had told him the wrong arrival time....ShhHH...for some reason I told him my plane would land at 2:10pm when my flight was at 1:50pm. I have no clue what I was thinking! He was rather pist, it was already a bit late due to the rain but what does not hurt him will not kill him. I chilled at his apartment for a little until Alisa came to pick me up. Just sitting on his couch made me think how much I had taken having siblings for granted. Throughout high school I never talked to him much, because you know with siblings the dynamic is rather awkward you don't tell them everything especially if its your brother. Maybe we just grew up that way, boys and girls separate. Maybe it was just my parents who knew, but it hit me that I would be coming home without him around and this made me sad. In a sense, I realized how selfless he was for staying around for so long to somewhat hold the family together, but I do miss him. Right now I am sitting in this room bored and he's not in the other room and I wish he was. Just his presence makes it worth being home.

After Alisa came and we headed off to VG in the pouring rain, I was not in the best of moods. I never liked being sad around others, because well, no one likes their parade to be rained on. Perhaps just growing up and the exposure of many possibilities given at Cal that made me realize that there are more important things to spend your money on. First and foremost, paying rent and the bills. Second, traveling. It was just maybe I had a lot on my mind too. Off we went home and I just chilled in my room that I feel frustrated not knowing what to do. A huge part of me just wants to go for it and design it just for the sake of it, but another part of me think it useless to decorate something I will never keep permanently.

Sunday-

Did not have any plans and just by nature this irks me. I always need to do something constantly. It turned out to be a Stephanie filled day. Just being around Steph motivates me so much, she is the epitome of HOPE (not trying to be Obama here). She does truly want to change the world, she was always the one who believed in my aspirations to be some type of artist. She always encouraged me to go to NY to go to an art school. We dressed up and went to Starbucks to chat for a bit and went to the new Forever 21 that Inland Center Mall apparently opened. Who would have thought they decided to open one of the biggest Forever in the middle of no where city. They did and I am glad for it because I will probably be spending alot of time there. There were many cute items! My attempt to look for the things I bought failed. Apparently they are not online. Per usual we got hungry and went to Famous Daves, the whitest restaurant you will ever find in the Inland Empire and while we were there we made a list of goals which was frightening. Now I feel pressured to accomplish all of that. Afterwards, since everything in this town closes at 8pm on a Sunday night, Steph called up a friend Christian who had just came back from UCSD to join us. Off we went to Starbucks once again. We chatted for a good four hours about our lives, it ranged from professors fucking us over to Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The highlight of the night was to rekindle my passion for art. We will see.

Now I await for the next spontaneous adventure...

Just some random ramblings.

I finally got out of that dead end job, I wish I had done it sooner. It will probably be the best, sure the money was good but when you really fuck around people can tell. I just got to find me another job. The end.

Right now I am just in the "Don't give a fuck" mood.

I just want to release all of this negative energy.

I have been in Berkeley too long, as my friend says I feel like you are graduating.

I should already actually. EST: Summer 2007. ENOUGH.

The remedy of all time George Lopez.