And It Shines Bright At the Darkest Hour

As we sat on the balcony waiting to catch the sight of the Perseids meteor, conversations were sparked on father-figures, love and family. Witnessing my first shooting star could not have come at a better time than that night. That night happens to also be my moms birthday-- thinking how I wished I was there to be with her as that is what she would have wanted. With that thought in mind, there were other connections that tied together with that particular feeling.

The next thing you know Cathy and I were conversing about our frustrations and they way our parents used to hover over us as we talked on the phone with our friends. Both of our parents would patronize us for speaking on the phone for "too long". This type of restraint (among many other things that they restricted us too) that our parents had over us seems a universal experience for Asian children. Asian parents have a strong philosophy that all we have in this life are our family. Cathy was more tolerant on this regulation, while I on the other hand, rebelled against what I called their backwards thinking.

The rebellion against the Chinese "traditions" explains my broken relationship with my parents. Now that I am twenty it feels more normal that I don't feel like I have parents--parents I mean as two people who communicate, collaborate and resonate together. On the other hand, I have never felt like a "daughter", "daddy's little girl". The concept of having a "dad" that "father-figure" is a foreign idea.

Alexa then comes to join in on our conversation. We started talking about our "love" interests, our heartaches and our stupidity. My "love" interests consists of infatuation, puppy love, and meaningless crushes. Nothing that was ever pursued to its full potential even worth mentioning. It baffles me that I can create a lasting friendship, but can never develop a relationship (or whatever they coin the term these days) . The ties between that "father-figure" and that "ideal man" closely relates to each other that it makes me feel that I have been doomed to a failed relationship. Even worse, cursed to never ever have the chance to feel loved. It is difficult to not predispose yourself to specific circumstances based on the relationship one has with their families.

They say we are born out into this world with a tabula rasa, but I say we are born into this world with a template. A template we can maintain, re-construct or re-build. My template in particular requires severe re-building. Re-building requires more work than constructing, because it takes twice the energy to get rid of all of the crap, but before we begin to eliminate them we have to be aware that it exists. We like to put off the things that does not feel good and this works the same way with life. Because our life consists of our internal selves, our souls that we cannot easily detach ourselves from.

It never occurred to me "re-building" was an option. For some reason, I feel stuck in this mentality of feeling inadequate, neglected and abandoned. This problem has only surfaced to consciousness beginning my 2nd year in college. It suffocates me and it feels that it has clutched onto my skin. The free-spirit attitude in high school was my remedy to drown out all of the negativity... [I had typed something here that articulated my end thoughts well, but it was undone].